To My Peaceful Sleeping Baby: Motherhood in a Pandemic
To my peaceful sleeping baby,
As I lie awake at night, holding you in my arms, I reflect on this world we now live in.
To think, just 3 months ago, as we brought you into this world, our biggest concern was protecting you from the cold weather, the common cold and the flu. We cautioned having too many visitors and lived in our own newborn bubble. Surrounded by loving family members and helpful friends.
We were just beginning to venture out into the world. Taking you to your first restaurant, going to a mommy and me class and beginning to make some new mom and baby friends. It was an adjustment figuring out how to take you out and about, while making sure I had all of your essentials handy and insuring I kept you warm. My next big tackle was going to be learning how to take you to the grocery store by myself.
Right as we began to get into a routine, our world suddenly changed. It was as if it were a slow yet rapid shift all in one. We heard news of this virus around the time you were born, but being in our newborn bubble, we hadn’t given much thought to it. Not to mention, our country had not even begun to treat it with the seriousness and severity it required. I remember taking you out to lunch with a friend and visiting a store on March 11th. Not realizing that would be the last store and restaurant we would visit for a very long time. Slowly, we began hearing more news of this virus, the deadly outcomes it had brought onto other countries and the rapid growth it carried. Fear crept in and anxiety began.
Before we knew it, we were living in a different world. Having to social distance ourselves, cancelling parties and gatherings, we were unsure of what to think. Here I am, a new mother with a 3 month old baby. It felt as if our world had all of a sudden stopped. No longer did I allow myself to experience the “normal” new parent fears of worrying about your sleeping patterns, stuffy nose and developmental milestones. We were in a pandemic! My concerns felt miniscule compared to this shared world trauma. This pandemic wiped away my chance of experiencing the new mommy period. For that, I have grieved.
I began sleeping less and less, anxiously scrolling through news reports and finding myself trembling over the fear of the scary unknown. Not sure what this beast actually was but knowing it was deadly. I had a precious life that I needed to protect. Pretty quickly, however, I began to notice you had picked up on my internal fears and anxiety. I noticed changes in your behaviors. I knew at that moment, that I had to re-shift my focus and remember to appreciate what was right in front of me.
You have allowed me to recognize how social distancing and quarantine allowed our family to connect on such a deeper level then I had ever imagined. Daddy and I feel so lucky to be able to work from home and carve out quality time with you. Watching you grow and learn has been a blessing. What you have helped me realize is that regardless of what may be happening in our world right now, life still continues. As I watch you build your milestones and continue to experience all the normal benchmarks of life, I am reminded of the beauty life can offer. I am so grateful for your blissful unawareness. Not only for your sake, but for ours. You have proved to be a peaceful distraction for all of our family and friends, who love to virtually watch you grow.
While I feel like I have lost out of the beautiful community experiences of a first time mom due to this pandemic, I have found gratitude for this time. I have been allowed extra time to cuddle you, bond with you and watch you learn about your world. You make our world more beautiful and special each and every day.
I wonder how this will impact you in your later years. I wonder what you will take from this period of isolation as you grow and develop. Your big smiles and joyous giggles reassure me you will be just fine. Oh sweet baby of mine.
*Written April 8th, 2020