I said "Yes", Now What?!
Managing the Anxiety that comes with Social Expectations of Wedding Planning.
It was a random Tuesday evening, after a long and stressful day at work. As I put the key to my front door, I took a deep breath to relieve the stress of the day and refocus before walking into my shared apartment with my boyfriend of 7 years. To my surprise, I opened the door to the most romantic display of red rose petals and candles out-lining a walk-way from our front door to our living room. As I followed the beautiful path, I found my excited and nervous boyfriend waiting for me with more candles, rose petals and something very special in his hand.
I was so ecstatic, I could barely contain my excitement! My boyfriend got down on one knee and began to recite the most sweet and sincere proposal to me. Honestly, as soon as he opened his mouth, a burst of emotion overtook me, and I can barely remember what he even said! (He would say the same in his recount of this experience).
We were both in such bliss and joy. Just the two of us, together, in the very beginning of a new chapter in our lives. We wanted to cherish that moment forever, but we also couldn’t wait to tell our closest friends and family the good news! After giving ourselves what felt like forever (an hour), we called our family and friends and soon after posted our news on social media.
Then, all of a sudden, BOOM! The flood gates burst open! An abundance of excitement, words of encouragement and love came rushing our way. However, with the love and support came the expectations and opinions from every which way…. “When are you getting married?”, “What venue are you picking?”, “Who is your photographer going to be?”, “What gym are you going to join?”, “What will your dress look like?”, “How many people are you going to invite?” … and on, and on, and on!
Saying I felt overwhelmed would be an understatement! How was I supposed to know the answers to all of those questions in the first 72 hours of our engagement? At the time, I felt pressured to have these answers and my head started to burst!
Yet worse, the judgments started just as quickly as the opinions. “You can’t really have a fall wedding, can you?”, “So-and-So had her wedding at this venue and it was so beautiful”. Not to mention all of the unspoken judgments of my ring, something I absolutely love and adore. With their small, but very impactful, slight of the eye, they had me wondering and worrying if they felt it was too big or too small, the right cut or shape.
This was just all too much!
At that moment, I realized I needed to reach out for help. I found a therapist and started meeting with her on a weekly basis. My goal was to learn how to sort through all of this chaos and anxiety and really focus on what is important- my relationship with the most incredible man in my life! I wanted to learn how to separate the societal expectations and focus on my values.
Sure, I wanted a beautiful wedding with a stunning dress and gorgeous flowers! But I also wanted the feeling of love to be surrounding us all throughout the night! I wanted to be present and in the moment for my wedding day because I knew it would all be over in the blink of an eye. I did not want to walk away with any regrets.
Once I started to shift my focus away from the materialistic nonsense, I began to focus on my relationship again. My fiancé and I met with our wedding officiant several times in preparation for the wedding ceremony and our marriage. It was a time for the two of us to reflect on our experiences together, our strengths and “areas needing improvement”. We discussed our expectations for our future. Out of all the wedding planning, these meetings were the most meaningful and special to us both.
I continued to work with my therapist on the anticipation of all the changes that come with marriage. This included changing my name. I took a lot of time deciding if this was the right decision for me, and even after coming to this decision, I still had a difficult time coping with the impact that would bring to myself and my identity. I was proud to carry my family name and I struggled with this feeling that I would no longer be a part of my family if my name had changed. This took a lot of time to process through, with long conversations with my family and fiancé. Ultimately, I decided to take my husband’s last name. I don’t know if I would have made that decision if I hadn’t taken the time to really get to know who I am. Therapy helped me build a better understanding and awareness of my values, my strength, and my outlook on life.
As the months of planning and prepping (both of the emotional stuff as well as the practical/materialistic details) went on, I felt as if I was on an un-touchable cloud of happiness. Nothing could bring me down!
Just three months before our wedding, a very unexpected and devastating event occurred. My grandfather, whom I loved and adored, suddenly passed away. My grandpa was such an influential man in my life. He and I had a special bond and he was so excited to attend our wedding. All of a sudden, my world had flipped upside down! How was I going to make it through this? How could we possibly go on and have a wedding when one of the most important people in my life couldn’t be there?
The experience of loosing my grandfather was life changing- it was probably the most impactful experience of my life. My grandpa taught me many life lessons, which I used, along with an immense amount of support from our loved ones to build the strength to move forward. I learned that when we are at the highest points in our life, we must always remember the lowest points in our lives- and when we are experiencing the most devastating moments of our lives, we must have courage and hope to strive towards our greatest moments.
Just a few months later, the day had finally come! After 12 months of prepping flower arrangements, indulging in food tastings and agonizing over the infinite choices of dresses, our wedding day was here!
Okay… really it was time to put all I had learned in the past year of therapy to work.
My goal for the day was to allow whatever happen, happen. My morning started off with a nice cup of coffee with my family. We laughed and enjoyed a special moment together. Throughout the morning, I continued to take deep breaths (while trying to dodge all the hairspray in the room) and I even took some time to journal outside, by myself, for a few moments. When I started to feel the anxious emotions bottle up inside, I allowed myself to feel it and then I reminded myself of all the work I had put in therapy and to trust myself. I continued to remind myself that this is just one night, and our marriage was coming next!
I allowed myself to feel my emotions. We all really felt the loss of my grandpa during the day. So when I was feeling sad, I allowed my tears to run down my face (water-proof mascara really does work wonders!) I also cried a lot of happy tears, felt a ton of butterflies in my stomach, and giggled throughout the day! I took moments throughout the entire evening to look around the beautiful room, to take a deep breath before walking down the aisle and to have genuine conversations with our guests. I held my husband’s hand really tight throughout the day and hugged my family extra snug. I took the time to do all of this as a way to make imprints of the day in my mind.
Sure, there were many things that went wrong during the day… (my wedding dress ripped, some of the décor wasn’t right, some guests didn’t show up). Normally, even just one of these occurrences would have taken all of my happiness and ruined my evening, but I genuinely didn’t care! I didn’t even let the judgments from others get to me because I stayed focused on the bigger picture- being surrounded my all of our loving friends and family and finally getting to marry the love of my life!
Looking back at our wedding, I can honestly say I have no regrets! That is because I put in the work to explore my values and that allowed me to stay true to myself.